Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Thanks for being here right on time.
We’ll see you in a few hours.
To all the mom’s who are having a positive impact on their children’s lives. You set the example. There is nothing bigger in the world you will do than being a mother and shaping the lives of your kids.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I might not be the best looking, or in the best shape, or the richest, I totally forgot where I was going with this! Anyway, happy Monday!
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Since there are more Chinese people than any other race on Earth, does that mean they have normal eyes and we have big crazy googly ones?
When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can’t open my eyes under water.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I still use my laptop to post on social media. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
If no one said they love you today. Here you go. I love you and I hope you’re doing well and you continue on doing great things because the world needs you and you are important.
I’m 50 and I’m single on Valentine’s Day. But, I have a great job, I have a great dog, my three daughters are happy and doing very well, I like myself (that one took longer than it should have), i’m still making music with some of the best musicians this city has to offer, I love doing my podcast and I live in the greatest city in the world. So… happy Valentine’s Day to me and to all of you. It’s a great life. I’m hugging myself right now, it’s kind of awkward, but it feels nice. There there buddy, let it all out. You’ll feel a lot better in the morning.
Okay, I’ve been away for a few hours. Am I the Governor of Virginia yet?
In space, no one can hear you scream. In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
While searching for the perfect WiFi SSID… MM and I agreed on DunderMifLAN.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I accidentally took my daughters multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Me: She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
Me: *holds up 6 fingers* This many