I might not be the best looking, or in the best shape, or the richest, I totally forgot where I was going with this! Anyway, happy Monday!
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Since there are more Chinese people than any other race on Earth, does that mean they have normal eyes and we have big crazy googly ones?
When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can’t open my eyes under water.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I still use my laptop to post on social media. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Friends, I have a confession to make. There have been times, a lot of them actually, where I have lied to you, and I’m truly ashamed. Many many times I have indicated that I’ve ‘laughed out loud’ or, more recognizable in it’s short form, ‘LOL’ without actually laughing out loud at all. Sometimes I only smile inside a little (SIaL). One time, sometime near Christmas, I replied with a LOL to a pretty unfunny post out of pure sympathy (LOLooPS) when what I was really doing was shaking my head (SMH). This lack of integrity (LOI) has caused me great consternation and photosynthesis (i like big words). From here on out I promise to be more precise with my acronyms, more up front, more honest, acronym transparent if you will. If I post a LOL then I actually laughed out loud for realz…as the kids say. If I SMH then I actually shook my head back and forth and probably sighed a little (SAL). Please accept my sincere apology (MSA) and I only hope that over time I can regain your trust. If you can’t trust a mans acronyms, is he really a man, I think not (ITN). #AcronymTruth∞
If no one said they love you today. Here you go. I love you and I hope you’re doing well and you continue on doing great things because the world needs you and you are important.
I’m 50 and I’m single on Valentine’s Day. But, I have a great job, I have a great dog, my three daughters are happy and doing very well, I like myself (that one took longer than it should have), i’m still making music with some of the best musicians this city has to offer, I love doing my podcast and I live in the greatest city in the world. So… happy Valentine’s Day to me and to all of you. It’s a great life. I’m hugging myself right now, it’s kind of awkward, but it feels nice. There there buddy, let it all out. You’ll feel a lot better in the morning.
Okay, I’ve been away for a few hours. Am I the Governor of Virginia yet?
In space, no one can hear you scream. In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I accidentally took my daughters multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat.
So, I lost a good friend at the gym today. We were working out together and while reaching for a weight my hand gently grazed his. There was a long awkward silence followed by a sadness only known to former friends pushed apart by an unfortunate circumstance, a twist of fate if you will. Goodbye my friend, god speed.
Just kidding, we laughed and immediately starting talking about the big Chiefs/Rams game tonight. Gooooo Sports!!!∞
Me: She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
Me: *holds up 6 fingers* This many
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
How come when you wake up at 6 in the morning, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it’s already 6:45. When you’re at work and it’s 2:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it’s 2:31
Note to self. Buck Pizzle is kind way of saying Buck Penis. Yes, the dog treat that Hank got all over my bed, jeans and face is raw Buck Penis. I want to throw up.
Ok, so I think it’s time we all got something straight. I don’t want to “smell it”. Not your watch band. Not your dinner. Not your dog. Not your hands….for the love of god NOT YOUR HANDS. Not your leather jacket. Not your second hand smoke. Not your puppies breath. Not your coffee breath. Not your bad breath….breath shouldn’t smell. Not your car exhaust. Not your underarms. Not your curry based food. Not your old trash. Not your grandmas old chair. I DON’T WANT TO SMELL IT. A coworker asked me to smell their watchband this morning and before I could react shoved it in my face. I almost threw up. In what world is that remotely acceptable? So, what have we learned this morning? I DON’T WANT TO SMELL IT!!! ∞
Night Sleeping Requirements:
Is the pillow cool enough? Are my legs positioned so they don’t put too much weight on each other? Can I hear anything? Are my arms tucked in nicely and not at any odd angles? Can I stop thinking about the day’s events? Is enough of my body out from under the blanket so that I don’t overheat? Is my alarm set? Is Jennifer Aniston happy? Are my toes safely tucked in to hide them from monsters?
Morning Sleeping Requirements:
Is the surface vaguely horizontal and not entirely made out of hornets?