Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
To all the mom’s who are having a positive impact on their children’s lives. You set the example. There is nothing bigger in the world you will do than being a mother and shaping the lives of your kids.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I might not be the best looking, or in the best shape, or the richest, I totally forgot where I was going with this! Anyway, happy Monday!
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Since there are more Chinese people than any other race on Earth, does that mean they have normal eyes and we have big crazy googly ones?
When they ask me in a job interview what my greatest weakness is, I always say that I can’t open my eyes under water.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I still use my laptop to post on social media. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Friends, I have a confession to make. There have been times, a lot of them actually, where I have lied to you, and I’m truly ashamed. Many many times I have indicated that I’ve ‘laughed out loud’ or, more recognizable in it’s short form, ‘LOL’ without actually laughing out loud at all. Sometimes I only smile inside a little (SIaL). One time, sometime near Christmas, I replied with a LOL to a pretty unfunny post out of pure sympathy (LOLooPS) when what I was really doing was shaking my head (SMH). This lack of integrity (LOI) has caused me great consternation and photosynthesis (i like big words). From here on out I promise to be more precise with my acronyms, more up front, more honest, acronym transparent if you will. If I post a LOL then I actually laughed out loud for realz…as the kids say. If I SMH then I actually shook my head back and forth and probably sighed a little (SAL). Please accept my sincere apology (MSA) and I only hope that over time I can regain your trust. If you can’t trust a mans acronyms, is he really a man, I think not (ITN). #AcronymTruth∞
If no one said they love you today. Here you go. I love you and I hope you’re doing well and you continue on doing great things because the world needs you and you are important.
I don’t share this “real hate crimes won’t be believed now” concern
Real hate crimes are just that- real. They sound that way. They’re plausible. The facts add up. They are heinous.
But this was -always- obviously fake. It has no effect on what’s real. It changes nothing.
How did I know it was fake you ask… come on, everyone knows that if you kick someone’s ass you get to eat their sandwich. I’ve lost a couple of good sandwiches that way!
I’m 50 and I’m single on Valentine’s Day. But, I have a great job, I have a great dog, my three daughters are happy and doing very well, I like myself (that one took longer than it should have), i’m still making music with some of the best musicians this city has to offer, I love doing my podcast and I live in the greatest city in the world. So… happy Valentine’s Day to me and to all of you. It’s a great life. I’m hugging myself right now, it’s kind of awkward, but it feels nice. There there buddy, let it all out. You’ll feel a lot better in the morning.
War is peace.
Freedom is slavery.
Ignorance is strength.
Okay, I’ve been away for a few hours. Am I the Governor of Virginia yet?
This Super Bowl Lacks Excitement
A garbage fire with nipples
Longest Punt Ever
Stay tuned. This one’s getting exciting.
In space, no one can hear you scream. In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
This is how I watch TV with Hank every night. He always puts his paw on my hand, it’s kind of cute!
While searching for the perfect WiFi SSID… MM and I agreed on DunderMifLAN.